I often hear people say to me that they just love learning new things. They love to go to classes or workshops where in a friendly atmosphere they learn to do various crafts or skills, or foreign languages or customs. These same people ask me, why don't you go learn your math or physics in a class at a community college or something of that sort. And they are always shocked when I tell them why I won't go.

For them, learning is fun. For me, it's torment. You'd think now, that can't possibly be true. After all, didn't I do brilliantly at least in my undergraduate years? Aren't I just so smart and all? How could I hate learning? Well, I don't hate the concept of learning something, but I hate the process. Learning anything, for me, feels like having something carved into my flesh with an X-Acto knife. I will learn it only because it leaves scars.

That's ridiculous, right? How could I hate learning when you find it so much fun? And if it's so painful, why do I do it? Have I always hated it? The answer is yes, from elementary school on. I have always hated being in class in a group of other people, having to sit still, and having to follow a teacher far away from me writing something incomprehensible on a blackboard. I have no hearing impairment, but I find it hard to follow the voice from across the room. I am quickly left behind in any classroom situation. Not only that, I am a poor reader and have a lot of trouble following any text. My friends read a book in a week, which would take me months to read.

Then follows the humiliation. I have never learned anything without some level of humiliation and indignity. It is never joyful to realize how little I know about what I want to learn. And it's always maddening to encounter people (of the learning-fun variety) who assault me with well-meaning lessons in their specialty which leave me behind in the first sentence. There are also the geeky types who like to overwhelm me with how much they know, to prove their superiority.

Then why do I bother to learn new things? Sometimes, I'm just plain curious and curiosity overwhelms my fear and revulsion. I want to know something enough so that I'm willing to endure the pain and suffering which brings me the knowledge. My studies of the Zoroastrian religion fit into this category.

Another reason I learn despite the pain is practical: I need the skill to earn more money or to do a job related to my art work. I spent most of 2007 learning Adobe Illustrator and Photoshop for this reason. I minimized the pain by working from books, at my own pace. The same is true with my current struggles to learn how to draw human figures. I am learning to draw from photographs of models, without having to endure art classes and the complicated logistics of getting myself to an art study venue.

Sometimes I learn something because I want to gain the status that a specific knowledge brings. This is one of the reasons why I have been studying mathematics. I view someone who knows mathematics and physics as higher in intellectual and social status, and simply more powerful, than someone who does not know these things. If knowledge brings status and power, I'm willing to put up with some pain to get it.

I have never questioned why learning is painful for me until recently. I just assumed that it was part of the package. But some friends, hearing me say this, recommended some self-help books related to a trendy modern malady, "adult attention-deficit disorder." Since this is hard to diagnose, and in some opinions doesn't even exist, I have not thought about it previously. But when I read the descriptions relating to learning, reading, and being in the classroom, as well as in the workplace, I was astonished how closely the descriptions fit me. I have always suspected that I had some form of mild learning disability, for why would I struggle so hard to learn simple things? Why would I be so frustrated even though I was "bright?"

One of the books which I found enlightening is DRIVEN TO DISTRACTION by Hallowell and Ratey. This book talks about the syndrome as it appears in both children and adults. They also give a useful set of steps to cope with it and overcome its effects. Interestingly, the authors say that American culture, especially as it is now with its overwhelming amount of speed and stimuli, can cause "attention-deficit" and sensory overload even in normal people. So I am not alone in being driven crazy by ordinary life here in the big city.

I continue learning stuff despite the suffering it causes. I try to create situations where it is least painful. If I go really slowly and break my assignments up into small pieces (as the book recommends) it is easier for me. I can do a little bit at a time: one drawing, one photoshop layer, one math problem. I'm hoping that even with ADD it ADDs up.

Posted at 4:25 am | link