I did not choose to study math and physics at my advanced age for the "right" reasons. You'd think that I'd be doing this for the joy of learning, for the mental hygiene of it, or because I was curious about the way the Universe works. Well, I'm not that nice.

If I were curious about the way the Universe works, I would just read the non-mathematical books about physics etc. which have no nasty equations in them, written for layfolk, and be satisfied that Stephen Hawking or that cute Brian Greene has done all the hard work, so I didn't have to. If I wanted just the joy of learning I'd study horticulture, which is another one of my major interests. And I'd even get to work with the real thing (plants and gardens) rather than just read about it. As for mental hygiene, too late, I'm already mentally polluted.

What keeps me going in math and physics is my drive for power. It's disgusting, but it's true. I live an ultra-quiet, bohemian life in which I must understate everything, dress in grungewear (I work in messy circumstances), stay humble and self-effacing and not intrude myself on people, not interrupt conversations, never display anything except my art, and be as unobtrusive as possible. I am a proper lady. No fur coats, fancy car, hot s**t bling-bling for me! But hidden behind this proper face is someone who is constantly concerned with power and wants to acquire and exercise it.

I once appalled a friend of mine by saying this. She was afraid I was going to go over to the Dark Side. She is now busy knitting decorative socks in the rural countryside, which is where I am afraid I will end up if I don't get beyond Newton's laws. I am just about to start chapter 2, on "Forces: Push and Pull." I will need to do some mental pushing and pulling for this, but I am ready for it. This will be the third time around for me on this, and three times usually is what it takes for me to really learn it.

There's no need for me to trouble my curly head with mathematics when I could read those nice easy books about physics with no math in them. But for me, learning mathematics and physics is acquiring power. It's like grabbing the steering wheel of the universe, which has been made into a fast car. What thrills me about physics is that scientists can find out the mathematics that makes the universe turn. And they have a certain bravado and arrogance about them, at least some of them do, which I would like to experience at least sometime in my life for myself. I would like to swagger, even just once. What? I want to be arrogant? That's SO superficial and childish! Shame on the Electron, I should remain small and negative! But that desire for power is part of what has kept me going for four years now.

The trouble is, I can learn whatever I want, even if it takes me twenty years, but I will never be able to practice it, nor do experiments or research. Everything I learn will be already discovered and well-documented. This is one of those things I didn't think about back in 2000. Pure knowledge is nice, but it doesn't do anything. For pure knowledge, I can study philosophy. But that power thrill isn't there. I'm always reminded that I can do art with physics themes. Frankly, that's rather like knitting decorative socks. Not that there's anything wrong with that. But it doesn't turn the wheel of the speeding universe, or shine the beams of its headlights into the darkness.

Posted at 3:19 am | link